be here NOW

I'm finding myself in an interesting place-- one in which I think I've always craved to be yet never really come close to reaching. It's a state of being so immersed in living the now that I have had little time for reflection...Or I guess that's not actually correct because I have been reflective and awake, but I've noticed that I haven't been trapped in my usual compulsion to over analyze and doubt and hide and fear quite as much as in these past years. I've been consciously working toward BEING wherever it is that I am in a moment, and I can feel myself, on most days, coming closer to making this a reality. I know that yoga and my training has been helping this-- the reading that I've been doing along side it as well. But just as importantly have my daily interactions with my students, my deepening connections with my colleagues, my new experience of sharing a home with someone not in my family-- inspired, and continually inspire me toward approaching life with honesty, joy, fearlessness, openness, flexibility, and intention. I'm finally realizing and utilizing the truth that the quality of everything, the good or bad of it, is in the manner in which I CHOOSE to perceive and approach and meet it...And I am trying to make this an embrace, buoyant and curious and full of gratitude and love for all that experience can teach me, can help me to grow into my most authentic self.

There are many reasons behind this meditation here-- it has come out of conversations with my fellow teachers in training and out of my own revelations over simply beauties and dynamics and rhythms in my daily life-- but the purpose of my inclusion of it here is mainly to explain to a degree the lapse in my entries...That these last days have been lived fully and not chronicled here and that I have decided not to beat myself up for that-- not to violate "Ahimsa" (the code of Non-Violence in yoga teachings) in regard to my treatment of myself-- but rather to accept this happily! This blog is shaping itself into something that is maybe not a direct report of the everyday madness of things but another type of forum a little less dictated by days; driven by a different beat. So I'll catch up with what has stuck, and what is moving forward with me into tomorrow.

The last two days of the past week were successful school-wise on many levels. I am feeling much more confident in my position and am a little bit in love with every class right now, except for Grade Seven, which has its own issues...They're dealing in a very ugly manner with their transition into adolescence: struggling with social expectations, insecurities, accepting authority, respect toward themselves and others...They are whiny, contrary and lazy-- they talk back and slack off and are generally sour and often infuriating to deal with. At least, though, I know it is not just me. ALL of the teachers have been experiencing this with the group, and some much more severely than me and we are having a meeting with all of the instructors to address our common concerns and problems this week. Basically, though, tomorrow they will not be happy campers. Their workout will be a boot camp of its own and they won't mess with Ms. Nelson's authority again...Dun Dun Dun. ;) Apart from Grade Seven though, like I mentioned, I am really finding such satisfaction and enjoyment in working with my students (and I know that the Seventh Graders will come around-- individually, they're delightful). The spirit of play that I have the freedom to bring to my classes is infectious and even the more rigorous exercises and challenges take on an air of real fun with our collective enthusiasm. Highlights of the week included tumbling with Grade Two and "Mother May I" with Grade One, relay races with Grade Three, and "Capture the Flag" and "Hide and Seek Tag" out on the Bluffs (our crazy wilderness desert area beside the school) with Grades Five, Six, and Eight (Seven was totally lame out there and have lost their privilege to use the space). Another favorite thing of mine this week was having the Sixth Graders get into four groups and draw up their own obstacles courses. They had to incorporate exercises and activities that met a set of particular criteria (at least one running/jumping, one core, one arms, etc.) but beyond that had complete freedom-- and what fantastic courses they devised! Most incredible though was to see the enthusiasm with which they worked to create these...They were focused intently on their task and worked excellently in cooperation with one another. So cute too when they had to lead all of us through their circuits! We still have two to do next class, but this will be on Thursday rather than Wednesday BECAUSE on Wednesday, instead of having class, we will be taking the whole latter half of the morning to MARCH like a Roman army (they are studying Ancient Rome now) to the beach, about a mile and a half away! Towels will serve as capes and togas, and boogie boards as shields! I can hardly wait and am stoked to be included in this endeavor. The Sixth Grade teacher is lovely and totally inspiring-- she's in her late twenties (I think...?) and has been trained and worked as a midwife, among other things, and has traveled widely. Such intriguing and incredible people surround me-- actually, they're always around, I think-- we just have to open our eyes, ears and hearts to see them!

This weekend was again dedicated to YOGA TRAINING-- Saturday and Sunday. I am amazed by how many classes I'm getting in; by how much I am really dedicating myself to this practice, as difficult and challenging and time-consuming as it is. I am glowing from the focus and energy, though, that it in its wholeness, looking at all of its facets, is giving me. What really struck me about this week as opposed to last week is the stride into which I have come here-- my increasing willingness to surrender into my weaknesses and tightnesses and blocks in this and to challenge and explore them without simply pushing blindly through pain and frustration with gritted teeth and judgment-clouded mind. It's not all gone, certainly, but there is an increased level of peace and accepting awareness in me in this space and in the role into which I am training myself to come and with this has come not only heightened confidence but also heightened joy in the process: as a result, I have come out of these intense hours of training this week much less drained than the last. We worked a lot on memorization this week, on alignment and adjustment of students through a particularly challenging part of our series, and finally on teaching itself-- cuing and all of that of course, but also on cultivating a personal style and effective presence as a teacher. I surprised myself here in a positive way, and was also impressed by the work of many of my cohorts. We're a really interesting group-- random in so many ways, but like-minded, I suppose, in all the ways that matter here. The two classes we took as part of our official training this weekend-- both with one of our instructors, were wonderful and perhaps even transformative in themselves-- pushing me to places I never thought I could go and making me think, with the focal points and messages she chose to include and share, in fresh ways. Yesterday's theme was essentially: "WHY NOT NOW?" and was meant to make us think about ceasing our constant quest for happiness in some future goal and realizing that happiness is a choice that we make, and an answer we hold inside of ourselves; today's was TO HAVE FUN! Basically, to infuse a sense of joy into whatever it is that we encounter, that we undertake in our lives because this approach will change the very quality of that experience: the experience is neither GOOD nor BAD-- it is our mind that makes that determination, that has the power to make it go either way; so why not take it with a smile??? It seems so simple, so cliche, perhaps even simplistic-- but honestly, applied in everyday existence, this SMILE can shape a future concretely, with existential proof. And I think I'm reaching the point of living it...Any least being aware of its truth and its power and working toward it...

So this is how I will enter into this week, whatever it will throw at me. I am so psyched about having my English tutoring clients and bringing this back into my life; I am excited to have the opportunity to teach yoga to the faculty and staff at school one afternoon a week as an ideal chance to practice this skill and form stronger relationships with these people (I couldn't believe it when they asked me to do this!); I am eager to see what my students have to teach me this week in our shared adventures; I am hopeful that I will see Alex more this week than last, between our two crazy schedules; and I am grateful for all that I am lucky enough to have and am blessed to experience.