BIG dEsciSioNS, new diRecTionS....

Well, I intended for this blog to be exclusively about my experience as a new Waldorf teacher, coming in with nothing but my own lived Pre-K through 8 education, but I see now just how difficult, and really quite silly it is to try to compartmentalize the things that make up what I'm trying to cultivate as a multifaceted life-- everything I am doing and living and learning affects everything else, undoubtedly, so those others interconnected facets will be represented here to some degree...So here it goes.

Yesterday was indeed full to bursting...It's only after this next day has past that I've really gotten to a place from which to process it fully. After a whirlwind day at school, I drove down to Aliso Viejo to begin my yoga teacher training (yikes!). Writing the enormous check and watching the other incredible yogis around me started my stomach and my mind a-wheeling: doubts began to creep in....."What am I doing here? I'm not good enough to do this! How on Earth does this relate to how I see my life in the long term? Is this the right time? Should I me spending this much money and energy in this pursuit? Is this the right studio?" Basically-- " WILL I REGRET THIS?"

It's all nonsense, I know. I've been at this precipice before-- I think we all have-- where self-doubt, where fear paralyzes us and steers us ultimately if we let it away from a challenge. Sometimes the voice that questions is an important one, stopping us from making rash and destructive or foolish decisions...But more often than not, for the over-thinkers among us (like me, Ms. Rationalization, Ms. Logic, Ms. Frugal, Ms. Pros and Cons) it can be immobilizing and limiting...I have consciously worked to combat this tendency toward worrying about future regret. From the outside, many people perceive me as extraordinarily decisive and focused and driven, which on some level I am-- but the secret is that it comes out of a deliberate decision to be so, not out of a lack of fear. So I am sticking with this. I don't know where it will take me, what I will learn, but I'm letting go of the expectations I have for it and riding, in the present with intention, this wave.

The class was fun, if a little fuzzy--sharing feelings...Not necessarily a bad thing for a first meeting. AND the things that we did learn, the engaged "doing yoga" part-- teaching and adjusting the first part of the Vinyasa sequence in pairs, was really helpful, and empowering in that I realized that I already knew more than I though I did-- it's amazing how much one learns just through repeated practice-- the absorption of all of those voices of all of those teachers in all of those classes one's taken become one's own knowledge...I return on Saturday for more goodness-- and Sunday is our Anatomy class, about which I'm pumped. Here's to surrendering and seeing where it goes!

All of this cultivation of self-awareness and the pushing of my own limits and zones of comfort will I know affect the way in which I meet my own professional responsibilities, and the content (bringing more yoga and anatomical understanding to Games and Movement) is only the beginning. It is this fact that I need to remember and keep in my heart as I go through the training.

The rhythm of classes and school has gotten even smoother this week, to the point that I am beginning to recognize and tailor to the personalities of each grade, to know student names-- even in the biggest classes with the tiniest folks!--to feel a bit more "in" my role...and I'm having FUN with it! In spite of the incredible heat of the past few days, the kids have worked and played their hearts out in the relentlessly beating sun, though Grade Two broke down a little today, exhausted from running and sun and as a result, fighting with each other and growing restless, unfocused, and inattentive. Cannot say I blame them! I am looking forward to cooler weather, real (or as real as it gets here) FALL. We are working now on getting the Middle School sports program up and running-- we're going to do it on a club level, and I'm psyched that there's enough interest for a Swim club! We're also going to have Cross Country (which I'll be co-leading with a couple parents), Basketball, Tennis, and Volleyball...Very much looking forward to the extensions these will serve as to weave me more into the school community.

I am creating, steadily but slowly, my "repertoire" of games and exercises and activities in a giant binder [please feel free to share any games YOU enjoyed/enjoy for me to bring to my students!]...It's frustrating to feel like I'm starting from scratch but I guess it's an unavoidable learning curve. It's hard work...but enjoyable nonetheless. Now, I'm starting to work rather than simply getting them under control and moving, toward giving the kids, each grade, a more structured "Waldorfian" program...

Cannot believe tomorrow is already Friday!