a monday, feeling off...

Today, from the outside, seemed to go without major, or even minor, disaster; and I suppose I did. And yet, I for the whole day this sense of frustration with everything involved in the process right now. The whole structure of things does not lend itself to any kind of sane teaching, the kind in which the instructor gets to know each student, gets to establish authority, to move forward with a clear objective and measurable goals-- scaffolding. I feel the crunch of each one of these lessons-- and I feel suffocated by the restrictions of time and by the enormous SIZE of each of the groups in particular. I feel overwhelmed that I'll never get the chance to really get to know them in the context in which I see them, and as such, never be able to organize them in a way that allows me to take them where I want to. I know this is nonsense, at least in the absolute sense-- of course, I'll be able to reach them and I'm sure the rhythm will come, the rapport. But it is going to be extremely challenging, and perhaps it won't ever reach the level that I would wish. The First Grade is my greatest worry right now-- 34 little ones in the great wide open, totally distractable, each one needing immediate love and attention and me not even knowing all of their names because I haven't spent more than 80 minutes with them all, and all together! HELP! Today, this class and I did great at points, but it feels chaotic and unstructured and I just want to sit down on the floor and kick my heels into the ground, pound my fists and scream. Haven't done that yet, though. ;) On the brighter side, I did manage to teach Grade 8 how to run properly-- foot placement, breathing, etc.-- and I made them do burpees-- I don't know if I made many friends, but at least they didn't complain too loudly and they smiled and said enthusiastic HI MS. NELSON's to me at the end of the day in the parking lot. But truly, as scrambled as this post it, that is only a shadow of what my head looks like right now, and what I feel my lessons to be-- though I'm sure they're hardly that bad. Still, I want to improve them so so much, and feeling at a loss at how to go about doing so as dramatically as I wish is one of my least favorite...